For some reason, I have never considered the new year to be January 1, (fill in the year). A new year for me has always been August/September time. Maybe it's because I was either in school or teaching... and this is the first time for me to step out of that mode. As I came home last night from small group (we just had our end of the year potluck/BBQ), I realized that when our small group (hopefully) launches again, it'll be my 4th year back! Wow... time flies, especially this year.
I remember moving back home 3 years ago, a fresh faced 21 year old, and completely innocent and naive to the "real world". I thought I had it all together then, boy did that cockiness slap me in the face. I thought I failed miserably as a facilitator because 1) I was completely immature back then, 2) no real passion or drive to keep on trucking when things were not going my way, and 3) I was under a not so good influence at the time.
Add 3 years to it, at the age of 24... sometimes I don't feel like everything is completely different. I do, however, think that I've had the most growth this year. I think just being in a long, serious relationship, and then getting out of it because you know we were not meant to be together does change you in many different ways. I came in one person and came out different (not jaded, of course).
But yeah, overall, I would say it was a good year, challenging though. And right now there's plenty of new transitions for me: adjusting back to single life and losing my confidant, finding a new job, learning different roles ministry wise... year 4... almost quarter of a century!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
The Amazing Power of God
Rules... are they really made to be broken? I know I have friends who love me and are always looking out for me. That's why everyone told me that I shouldn't communicate with D till 2 weeks afterwards and not even see him till after I come back from my missions trip. At the time, everything made sense... we both needed our space and that's the "right" thing to do.
I had the intentions of going with these rules as well. Except two days after our break up, I had a huge urge to e-mail him just to tell him my good news, to not worry about me anymore because I was doing perfectly fine. My mind was not clouded anymore and I have also come to the same realization that he came to months ago, we would be miserable if we married each other. I held back that urge that night because it would be breaking the rules, and I felt really bad for telling him that after a 1.5 year relationship, I could move on so quickly just like that, *snap*.
That night I was just lying in bed, thinking "wow, how could this happen?". Never in my wildest imagination could I have imagined that I would be over him so quickly and be at so much peace. I knew a lot of people have been praying for me, D included, and this was the first time that I truly experienced God in a BIG way... that He was always there for me, and that He has answered all those prayers that people have said for me. I have always had little experiences where I knew God heard and answered my prayers, but I was just waiting for a BIG experience to share with others to show that He is there (and bam!, there's my experience).
The next morning, even though it was against the rules, he messaged me and asked how I was. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to just tell him everything, and that conversation was probably the most carefree and honest conversation we had in months. I was so happy and relieved to just tell him my realizations of the relationship and vice versa. We had a great phone conversation as well as more chatting afterwards as well. We were both happy just knowing that after 1.5 years, it's good that that door has closed and we'll both be able to move on.
Because of the "us" history, I told him I'll probably transition out of small group and find a new group, since it will probably be easier for him than me. However, during the course of the day, as we were talking about our vision and what we wanted out of everything, it looks like if we were both mature enough to place our history in the past and move forward together, there's a possibility that we can still continue serving together. I was pretty excited about this because I always thought we made a great team serving together, our gifts complimented each other, sorta. And once again, this was just another experience where I was wowed by God's awesome presence in both our lives; to be able to move forward and be able to still serve God together. Of course, I was thinking on and off the whole day if I was doing it for the wrong reasons, because if I had any doubt in my mind, I would definitely just say no and step out of it, regardless of how excited I was to help be a part of the transition of our small group.
A friend once told me that she does not regret anything from her past relationship. You lived it, had great memories together, and learn from it. I think the biggest lesson I learned from the whole thing was that God is greater than all of us, and He is more than capable of accomplishing what us humans cannot fathom. And this is probably, by far, the greatest testimony I have that God is alive and truly working in my life.
I'm thankful for a lot that came out of this past relationship. I was able to get to know an amazing person on a deeper level, and although we didn't get to have a Disney "happily ever after", I still believe I did, to some extend that cannot really be explained in words. I was able to recognize my passion in serving. D always encouraged me to come out of my comfort zone if I truly wanted to be stretched, and slowly, over the course of this year, that's what I did. If it weren't for this relationship, I don't think I would've grown to become the person I am today. I think that's a huge reason why I still want to continue working with him, even though to everyone else, it doesn't make sense because now is the perfect time for me to transition out as well. We'll see what God has in store for the both of us...
I had the intentions of going with these rules as well. Except two days after our break up, I had a huge urge to e-mail him just to tell him my good news, to not worry about me anymore because I was doing perfectly fine. My mind was not clouded anymore and I have also come to the same realization that he came to months ago, we would be miserable if we married each other. I held back that urge that night because it would be breaking the rules, and I felt really bad for telling him that after a 1.5 year relationship, I could move on so quickly just like that, *snap*.
That night I was just lying in bed, thinking "wow, how could this happen?". Never in my wildest imagination could I have imagined that I would be over him so quickly and be at so much peace. I knew a lot of people have been praying for me, D included, and this was the first time that I truly experienced God in a BIG way... that He was always there for me, and that He has answered all those prayers that people have said for me. I have always had little experiences where I knew God heard and answered my prayers, but I was just waiting for a BIG experience to share with others to show that He is there (and bam!, there's my experience).
The next morning, even though it was against the rules, he messaged me and asked how I was. I thought this was the perfect opportunity to just tell him everything, and that conversation was probably the most carefree and honest conversation we had in months. I was so happy and relieved to just tell him my realizations of the relationship and vice versa. We had a great phone conversation as well as more chatting afterwards as well. We were both happy just knowing that after 1.5 years, it's good that that door has closed and we'll both be able to move on.
Because of the "us" history, I told him I'll probably transition out of small group and find a new group, since it will probably be easier for him than me. However, during the course of the day, as we were talking about our vision and what we wanted out of everything, it looks like if we were both mature enough to place our history in the past and move forward together, there's a possibility that we can still continue serving together. I was pretty excited about this because I always thought we made a great team serving together, our gifts complimented each other, sorta. And once again, this was just another experience where I was wowed by God's awesome presence in both our lives; to be able to move forward and be able to still serve God together. Of course, I was thinking on and off the whole day if I was doing it for the wrong reasons, because if I had any doubt in my mind, I would definitely just say no and step out of it, regardless of how excited I was to help be a part of the transition of our small group.
A friend once told me that she does not regret anything from her past relationship. You lived it, had great memories together, and learn from it. I think the biggest lesson I learned from the whole thing was that God is greater than all of us, and He is more than capable of accomplishing what us humans cannot fathom. And this is probably, by far, the greatest testimony I have that God is alive and truly working in my life.
I'm thankful for a lot that came out of this past relationship. I was able to get to know an amazing person on a deeper level, and although we didn't get to have a Disney "happily ever after", I still believe I did, to some extend that cannot really be explained in words. I was able to recognize my passion in serving. D always encouraged me to come out of my comfort zone if I truly wanted to be stretched, and slowly, over the course of this year, that's what I did. If it weren't for this relationship, I don't think I would've grown to become the person I am today. I think that's a huge reason why I still want to continue working with him, even though to everyone else, it doesn't make sense because now is the perfect time for me to transition out as well. We'll see what God has in store for the both of us...
Friday, June 13, 2008
No Real Formula?
Is there really a formula for the time you should be over someone? If you were together for 1.5 years, how long would it take to get over that person? This is definitely by God's grace, but after getting out of a long relationship, I got over everything surprisingly quickly. I know I had lots of prayers and God was definitely working in my heart, but it just surprises me for being able to get over someone who meant so much to me in the past so quickly. Yes, I was grieving for 2 days and couldn't eat or concentrate on anything else... but now, I just feel so relieved. The cloudiness in my mind is definitely all gone. I've definitely learned a lot from my past relationship, and I'm definitely having a really easy time moving forward right now.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The BIG Disappointment
If you follow SATC, you would know that Carrie always had this on going on again off again thing with Mr. Big (aka: John James Preston). He broke her heart a couple times and was just so emotionally out, yet lead her on the whole time. Her friends hated him for what he did to her, and although she portrayed herself as someone strong who could move on, it still took a toll on her.
Now fast forward to the movie... Mr. Big and Carrie are finally happy together, moving in and all that jazz... but when the wedding day comes, he couldn't make it there and there goes THE biggest heartbreak she's had to face with him (as well as embarrassment). However, Carrie finally had a happy ending cuz she ended up with him (sorry to ruin the movie for those who still haven't seen it yet).
Anyway, as much as I wish I were Carrie with the happy ending, that hasn't happened for me. The Mr. Big in my life did to me what SATC Mr. Big did to Carrie all those times throughout the series. And although I would like to portray myself as someone strong who can handle things, I'm not...
Now fast forward to the movie... Mr. Big and Carrie are finally happy together, moving in and all that jazz... but when the wedding day comes, he couldn't make it there and there goes THE biggest heartbreak she's had to face with him (as well as embarrassment). However, Carrie finally had a happy ending cuz she ended up with him (sorry to ruin the movie for those who still haven't seen it yet).
Anyway, as much as I wish I were Carrie with the happy ending, that hasn't happened for me. The Mr. Big in my life did to me what SATC Mr. Big did to Carrie all those times throughout the series. And although I would like to portray myself as someone strong who can handle things, I'm not...
Friday, June 6, 2008
The Hardest Part of Teaching
I don't mind the loudness. I don't mind them not listening to me and interrupting when I'm teaching. I don't mind all the complaints I get about this and that and who's picking on who today. Sometimes I don't even mind the mess that's left behind. I don't mind that no matter how much I explain a concept, someone always does not get it. All this isn't really hard to me, I've come to grips with it all.
However, while driving home from work yesterday, after hugging and saying a final goodbye to the kids... I realized that (to me) the hardest part of teaching is leaving and saying goodbye. I've spent two years with some of these kids, and have probably seen them more so than their own parents from Monday - Friday, I'm sure going to miss those little rascals.
Thank goodness for technology and gmail though!
However, while driving home from work yesterday, after hugging and saying a final goodbye to the kids... I realized that (to me) the hardest part of teaching is leaving and saying goodbye. I've spent two years with some of these kids, and have probably seen them more so than their own parents from Monday - Friday, I'm sure going to miss those little rascals.
Thank goodness for technology and gmail though!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Good bye, farewell...
A week ago, I told D that I was pleasantly surprised by the reactions of my students when I told them I would not be returning next year. If you know my class, you would know that they rarely show any emotion towards anything, and they have not been as friendly as last year's class towards me, so I didn't think it'll be a big deal to them.
Little did I know, I was surprised by their shock that I wasn't returning in the fall. I still think it's the dynamics of this year's class, but I just didn't have as much fun as I did last year. I never felt comfortable joking around with them and picking on them as much as my now 5th graders. And I don't know why, but instead of feeling sad and having the "I'll miss you" theory, I am somewhat relieved. I think this year definitely did wonders to me; there was the good, the bad, and the burnt out-ness which came from this group of 9-10 year olds. Sadly, I don't feel like I will miss them that much.
This is a complete change from my first year of teaching, when I was completely attached to my group of first graders. I cried me a river along with half the class on the last day of school, but this year I just feel very blah. Sure, I'm going to leave with a HUGE party with lots of yummy food, but right now I really feel like I'm not going to miss this at all.
I think it's my low expectations this year, but I was shocked at the surprises that were left on my desk when I decided to play hooky one Friday afternoon. There were numerous "good bye" cards which they made in art class. I always thought my group this year weren't very attached to me because of the way they behaved. But the words written to me were quite touching.
Throughout this week, I feel like I've been on and off with this whole "I won't see you again" thing. I think the highight of all this goes to a boy in my 5th grade class, we'll call him "Annabelle" (and yes, there's a story behind all that).
For the past year, Annabelle would troop into my classroom, and make a huge entrance like he's the king of the world. He's trip over a chair or something just to attract attention and make the rest of the kids laugh. He always thought he did a good job "annoying" me and would always make noises here and there just to get a reaction from me. I was never really annoyed, and have always enjoyed his stories (I just don't enjoy the fact that he tells me these stories at THE most inappropriate times, when I'm teaching!). Anyway, I told all my students that I would really like it if they could sign my yearbook, this is what Annabelle wrote to me, which I thought was the nicest thing he's ever said/written to me... ever! (He also dedicated a short story to me about his Sacramento trip that we took together as a class last year).
"Dear Ms. Poon,
For the past 2 years I have been having a lot of fun in your class. You have been a really nice person or teacher I should say.
From "Annabelle"
P.S. You are my favorite teacher out of all of them."
I read that and thought it was really nice coming out of him since we've developed this love-tease relationship this year and I always make fun of him in front of the class. Today, he comes up to me and asks if he can write a little more in my yearbook, and I give it to him, thinking what more he can write, this is what he continues on with in his P.S. portion:
"I am going to miss you. Bomber----@gmail.com".
I think that's the sweetest thing that a student has written me. Sure, I got other "I miss yous", but this one just means so much more just because of our history together and how we're always just having fun jokingly bashing on one another.
Tomorrow's the last day of work here... I'm going to miss these rascals. I know I shouldn't play favorites, but I have a few favorites from my 5th grade class. Thank goodness there's technology and easy e-mail/gchatting.
Little did I know, I was surprised by their shock that I wasn't returning in the fall. I still think it's the dynamics of this year's class, but I just didn't have as much fun as I did last year. I never felt comfortable joking around with them and picking on them as much as my now 5th graders. And I don't know why, but instead of feeling sad and having the "I'll miss you" theory, I am somewhat relieved. I think this year definitely did wonders to me; there was the good, the bad, and the burnt out-ness which came from this group of 9-10 year olds. Sadly, I don't feel like I will miss them that much.
This is a complete change from my first year of teaching, when I was completely attached to my group of first graders. I cried me a river along with half the class on the last day of school, but this year I just feel very blah. Sure, I'm going to leave with a HUGE party with lots of yummy food, but right now I really feel like I'm not going to miss this at all.
I think it's my low expectations this year, but I was shocked at the surprises that were left on my desk when I decided to play hooky one Friday afternoon. There were numerous "good bye" cards which they made in art class. I always thought my group this year weren't very attached to me because of the way they behaved. But the words written to me were quite touching.
Throughout this week, I feel like I've been on and off with this whole "I won't see you again" thing. I think the highight of all this goes to a boy in my 5th grade class, we'll call him "Annabelle" (and yes, there's a story behind all that).
For the past year, Annabelle would troop into my classroom, and make a huge entrance like he's the king of the world. He's trip over a chair or something just to attract attention and make the rest of the kids laugh. He always thought he did a good job "annoying" me and would always make noises here and there just to get a reaction from me. I was never really annoyed, and have always enjoyed his stories (I just don't enjoy the fact that he tells me these stories at THE most inappropriate times, when I'm teaching!). Anyway, I told all my students that I would really like it if they could sign my yearbook, this is what Annabelle wrote to me, which I thought was the nicest thing he's ever said/written to me... ever! (He also dedicated a short story to me about his Sacramento trip that we took together as a class last year).
"Dear Ms. Poon,
For the past 2 years I have been having a lot of fun in your class. You have been a really nice person or teacher I should say.
From "Annabelle"
P.S. You are my favorite teacher out of all of them."
I read that and thought it was really nice coming out of him since we've developed this love-tease relationship this year and I always make fun of him in front of the class. Today, he comes up to me and asks if he can write a little more in my yearbook, and I give it to him, thinking what more he can write, this is what he continues on with in his P.S. portion:
"I am going to miss you. Bomber----@gmail.com".
I think that's the sweetest thing that a student has written me. Sure, I got other "I miss yous", but this one just means so much more just because of our history together and how we're always just having fun jokingly bashing on one another.
Tomorrow's the last day of work here... I'm going to miss these rascals. I know I shouldn't play favorites, but I have a few favorites from my 5th grade class. Thank goodness there's technology and easy e-mail/gchatting.
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