Shattered

June 6 - June 10. I would consider this to be a very significant part of a change in life and comfort. During this short time span (one expected, and one quite unexpected), my two biggest comforts for the past two years was taken away from me. Although the two do not really correlate, I always just put one with the other because that's how it's been like for me.

Work has always been something I took for granted. True, the kids drove me crazy at times, but the other times, the stuff they do gives me this nice fuzzy feeling inside. I do miss teaching, it was fun and enjoyable, and I always got to chat during my preps (which was definitely a plus). *sigh*... those were the days. I wonder how my kids are doing though...

The other comfort I had, well... I don't necessarily feel like it became my idol, it's built me into a person I never thought I would become, and I'm thankful for that. But like many good things in my life, it always comes to an end. There's still a lot of things that happened here which I don't fully comprehend, and I'm not God, so I'm not surprised that many things don't make sense to me at all. I understand that people undergo a season of changes... but many changes just don't make sense.

How can someone who made you feel like you're the best thing that's happened to them also be the same someone who can now make you feel like you're the most worthless thing in the world (in their eyes)? How can someone who at first had so much faith in you now think that your life is a mess and you have no idea where you're headed? How can someone who made you feel so happy before be the same someone who can say so many harsh things to you? How can someone who claimed that you were the most important person in your life before now want close to nothing to do with you? How can someone who was your everything now want to become a close to nothing? How can someone you ran to before for comfort be the same one who you are now trying to run away from? How can someone you would be willing to die for be the same person who claims that they're burnt out by you? And how can someone who you put all your faith and trust in be the same person who can destroy you the most?

I'm still attempting to make sense of all of this. Maybe it was not supposed to make sense. I have a scar on my left hand because of this person and I know it will be there for the rest of my life. Although it was physically painful for a while, it's come and gone now. All I have left is the remnants of the burn. However, the inner scar left inside hurts 100x more. I would trade in any physical pain to get rid of the emotional pain that's been left inside. But how can something that can seem so right in your eyes, something you're so convicted is right turn out to be so wrong?